Lacey Says This...

I have recently discovered the way
to get people to notice you.

 

Everyone wants people to ask them
out. Everyone wants to be hit on at the grocery store, the gas station, and
even a bar. Even if its by the grossest person, or the Fabio of the joint… it
doesn’t matter. It’s a spoon full of sweet sweet validation, and it slides down
our throats like warm butter.

I have the answer.

No… laides… it does not involve
showing access body parts… and men, it will require no work on your part of
witty retorts or catchy pick ups. Its plain and simple…

If you fallow my instructions
perfectly, you will have a line of people around the block, all wanting to buy
a kiss from you, and the Klondike bar will have shit on
you.

I know… I know… Sounds too good to
be true?

Well kids, believe your ears..
because its real.

HOW!?

I can hear you screaming through
the computer, on the edge of your seat as you read this…

The suspense is killing you…

 

Well, here is how.

How to have people falling over
you, left and right…

The epitome of everyone wanting
you…

All you need to do…

Is have a boyfriend, or
girlfriend.

 

That’s right. One simple step to
success. Just have a significant other.

And not just ANYONE… but someone
you really dig.

Once you have this person,

The opposite sex can smell it.
Like Cats when they rub against objects…. Little did you know but by having
someone already, they leave a very specific sent on you. This is like a
flashing sign above your head only the opposite sex can see. It translates to
“you want this piece of ass, yes you do.”

They can not take it…

Like wolves they smell this…. Like
blood the next thing they know they are salivating all over themselves and they
find themselves disturbingly drawn to you.

I shit you not.

 

This is the secret.

And now that I have discovered it…
I don’t know what to do with it.

 

 

Relationships are a funny thing…

I always wondered how they even
work. Men and Women are so monumentally different that it defies science,
logic, and all aspects of life in general. Sure opposites attract, but when it
comes to building a life with an opposite, then it starts to get
complicated.  

That’s why I can understand
homosexuals… It makes sense. Same elements… it fits together.

But Men and Women? No.

 

I have learned that when we women
ask…

“What are you thinking about right
now…” (which we do annoyingly more often then not.)

There are really only a few
answers from a man…

A-    there
is static. There really is NOTHING going on in there at that moment.

B-    Something
so boring that you probably should not have asked.

C-    And
of course Sex.

 

I have found that C will often
times out weigh the other two.

 

Example..

We are driving home from
somewhere…. We are on the 2 freeway. I notice that we have both been silent for
quite some time. I start to wonder why… I reach into my head and say, what was
I thinking about? Oh yes… I was just driving… I was distracted by the
nothingness of it all (yes that is possible.) I then begin to wonder why he was
so silent… maybe he was also caught up in quiet? I decide to ask being that I
am curious… not searching for a specific answer, I ask…

 

“I was thinking about sex.”

He said.

 

It blew my mind. It was not a bad
thing…. But a random thing. We were in the car. We were on a boring straight
freeway with mountains on each side and only a few cars around us. We were not
listening to anything exciting, nor had we had a prior ‘sexy’ discussion. It
was the least sexy situation. And yet… Sex was still on his mind.

 

Fast forward…

We were watching TV. Dairy Queen
commercial is on. We were watching a show about Jesse James. We are both quiet.
I always like to know what people are thinking about RIGHT AT THAT SECOND,
because if you were to ask me at any given time, the answer is always
interesting. At that moment I was thinking about dinosaurs. I was like… I
wonder what would happen if Jesse James had to have a high speed pursuit… but
there was a T-Rex running after him. Who would survive? What would Darwin
predict? I then wondered what it was at that second he was thinking about.

 

“I was just thinking about
fucking.”

He said.

 

Yes… this concludes it… Pretty
much.

 

Men claim to be so intelligent.
And I agree they are… But man oh man… The difference between men and women is
astonishing.

They will be thinking about sex…
their holy seeds… spreading the love… so to say… most of the time.

A recent study I read showed that
men think about sex about every 30 seconds.

 

Women… Our internal monologue is
so neurotic that you could not comprehend what was going on. We have side
thoughts from side thoughts all going on at the same time. We have analyzed and
interpreted everything already. The way something was said, the text message,
we have played out every possible scenario. We have over thought, and prepared
for the hypothetical…

Men….

Sex.

 

And I have started to realized how
pissed we get when they look at, or mention another women.

We begin to wonder… when will they
learn!?

This is not something that you do
in front of your girl.

But I have come to learn the
simple fact that… they don’t know any better. Really.

It is as innocent as the puppy
that pees on the floor.

No matter how many pee pads we set
down, no matter how many times we take them outside, or scream, or whatever…
The puppy will eventually pee on the floor again.

 

The late Nobel prize-winning Dr.
Albert Schweitzer was asked by a reporter,

"Doctor, what's wrong with
men today?"

The great doctor was silent a
moment, and then he said,

"Men simply don't
think."

 

Albert Schweitzer was one of my
favorite philosophers. This was one of my favorite quotes.

 

Women want the man to constantly
remind us how beautiful, sexy, and amazing we are….

Because, well… we are women… and
we are insecure and live for the next dose of validation…

 

Men want you to just KNOW it.

Obviously if they did not think
that they would not see you everyday let alone fuck you and you alone.

 

“Actions speak louder then words.”

 

Right?

Well.. I have learned a good rule
of thumb is ignore what they say when its something stupid… because of a lot of
the time they just like to hear themselves talk. They have set a foundation of
how they want their lives to be mentally… so to be that, they speak it. But if
you pay close attention to the bigger picture, how they treat you, and their
behavior… It will either paint the same picture, or it will tell you the true
meaning.

Sometimes as humans, we need to
tell ourselves one thing… even if we act the other.

 

And Actions are more important
then words.

Look at the movie Wall-e.

The entire beginning half of that
movie had no words.

Right?

 

Women… we want everything spelled
out… because we are too dumb to look. To just open our eyes.

When you do, you see you have an
entire pantomime before your very eyes that you had been ignoring.

 

Men want to bitch and at the end
have you say…

‘Wow, that does suck.”

 

Women want to give every single
piece of advice they can muster up.

 

Men want to sit quietly next to
you.

Women want to talk about feelings.

 

I am not the typical women. But
sometimes I get caught between the two.

And then all I have to do is talk
to a regular woman…. Hear their opinions on the matter…

And then I am reminded how crazy I
am not.

 

They are dudes.

They will look at other women…

They will say stupid things…

They will tell you they like you
in the most inappropriate way…

Sometimes they wont even tell you
they like you, instead they will hug you randomly while watching TV.

They drive us crazy…

They make us cry…

They are just dudes.

 

And fuck… I don’t know about you…
But that’s why I like them.

 

Men and Women…

Makes no sense..

But then again… I have always been
a David Lynch fan.

I guess its just how you look at
things,

And if you know how to laugh.